The Void

At this stage in teenagerdom, we tend to start liking people of opposite genders. Sure, we've had crushes for years, but this is where it really starts. This is where we complicate relationships and analyze things that shouldn't be analyzed. This is where "friend zones" start and where break ups happen.
And this is where we try to fill the void.
I don't know about the rest of the world, but when I don't like anyone, it sort of makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm going to end up as an old maid with forty seven cats.
But I don't go out and have a crush on the first guy I see just to have a crush on someone.
You know what the problem is?
There are people like that in the world.
There are people who will go out and like the first girl or guy they see just so they can fill the void of wanting to have a crush on someone.
I know because it happened to me.
There was a guy who liked me, but it was conditional. He thought maybe I liked him back, but as soon as I made it clear I didn't like anyone, he was gone.
And not only was he gone, but he liked another girl within the next three days.
Just to fill that void.
I don't want someone to like me just to fill the void. I don't want to be a fill-in, a replacement, a filler. I want someone to love me for me. Whether or not the void needs to, wants to, or is already filled.
I want someone to not even think about the void when they see me. I don't want someone to have to force me into the void. "Here, like her. She fits in the void!"
No. I want someone to wake up one day and go, "Holy cow. When did I fall in love with her?!"
I want someone to love me without thinking about the void.
I want the void to disappear.
Because if I get shoved into one more void, I might scream.
And I hear screams echo in empty spaces.

BitterSweet

Bittersweet.
I've never known the true meaning until now.
Today a wall came down in my house. Now, I know you're sitting at your computer completely puzzled as to why this is so earth shattering that it deserves it's own blog post. Lemme explain.
By the time I was 9, I had moved 20+ times. The longest time I had ever lived in one place was 2 years. I didn't ever have a "childhood home". Somewhere I could drive my kids to when I was older, point it out, and say, "This is the house I grew up in."
Instead, we would have to sit down and make a chart of all the freaking places I've lived and then say, "Now kids this is where I lived for four months in the spring of 2005."

And then I moved here. I've lived in this house almost 5 and a half years. Which is insane for me.
And, yes, I do want to move... because that's who I am.

But when they started taking that wall down today, I felt some sort of weird emotion I'd never felt before. I was totally conflicted.
I didn't want the wall down because I'd lived here for 5 years.
I spent over a third of my life here...
After moving 20+ times, that is completely insane for me to handle.

I stood in the toyroom after they left today, and looked straight into the living rooms past the beams and wood. It felt... bittersweet.
It felt bitter because this meant we probably weren't moving for a long time.
It felt sweet because I realized...
this is the house I would drive my kids by someday and say, "This is the house I grew up in."
And I never thought I'd be able to say that.

Evaluating Friends

Tonight, as I lie in my bunk, I'm evaluating my friendships. Who is in my life that isn't good for me, who I should probably see more of, and the people that are grating on my nerves right now.
I have a hard time with friendships in general. I love friends, but it's so complicated.
Like, how good of a friend do you have to be to ask if you can talk to them and that not be weird? I've known some people since I was 9 years old that I wouldn't be able to have a conversation with them without feeling awkward. And then there's the opposite of that, where people are wanting to be my friend so much to the point of smothering me.
It makes me feel like wearing a sign around my neck that says, "I would love to talk to you! For like 10 minutes and then I might need a break, depending on who you are." Because I don't mind talking to people, I really don't. But sometimes your friends smother you.
I'm going through a tough time right now where I don't know who my friends are anymore. I sat and wept (really silently) in church this morning, because I don't know who to count on.
That sucks.
It sucks to know that most of the friendships you thought you had, depended on seeing the people regularly. If you had asked me a year ago how many close friends I had, I would have said probably close to 15. This year, I cut back on a lot of social outlets, and now it's about 3.
Because when you don't see people regularly  you lose touch, and sooner or later you realize you never talk to that person.
Again, it sucks.
And so, tonight I'm evaluating my friends. Who I need, who I don't, who I should strive to see more of, and who I should try to see less of.
It's heartbreaking realizing people you would have said would have been there holding your hand through everything are turning on you, just when you need it.
But, it's also refreshing to know exactly where I stand.
"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." - Proverbs 18:24

Nutella is Yum.

Do you know how darn confusing it is to write four books at once? OHMYWORD.
It's like stress, stress, stress.
There;s been a lot of coffee/nutella/F.R.I.E.N.D.S episodes to help me.
AND.
I did a shoot for a 30+ family on Sunday. Even more stress.
Back to the books.
I keep having issues keeping my characters straight. In each book there's a girl main character and a guy main character. And I am at the point where I'm having to write who's with who and what book they're from on my hands.
Yeah.
So, basically what I'm saying is: I'm under a ton of stress right now... so blogging may be seriously infrequent.
Also: This month is National Novel Writing Month...
So, of course on October 31st, I find this out... and November 1st I started a new book.
Yep.
Gonna die.
OH! Before I forget, this is the link to the website where I have *most* of my books/short stories: http://www.wattpad.com/user/jtruebird