On Envy

Back on the Q&A With Bird, there was supposed to be one more question. I took it off though, because it would have been too long of an answer, and I didn't want to answer it either.
The question was: "What is something you struggle with everyday?"
I settled on writing a seperate blog post for this one instead of ignoring it, or sticking it with the Q&A.
I struggle with a lot of things. Anger, not being self accepting, pride, greed, laziness... really the list just goes on.
But there's only one that manages to come up every single day.
Jealousy.
It's actually considered one of the seven deadly sins.
There's also a Commandment in the Bible ("neither shalt thou covet thy neighbor's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbor's.")
I have serious issue with envy.
Even bigger an issue, I hate that I have to fight it. All the time.
So not only do I have jealousy, then I have hatred. Every day.
I hate myself that I can't make it go away. That I have to fight it every single breathing moment of every single day on this earth.
I don't envy normal things, like houses or ipods.
I envy experiences with people. Experiences with people I can't have experiences with.
Events that would be impossible for me to go to.
People it would be impossible for me to see.
Knowing about it would be bad enough. But, social media spins it into so much more. Then the person can take pictures and post about it. Sharing inside jokes, or stories you don't have.
I have burst into tears more than once from seeing a post, automatically feeling envy, and then hatred for feeling envy.
Why? Why is this jealousy of people, and relationships implanted inside me?
"Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?" - Proverbs 17:4


I found this verse tonight, and it immediately spoke to me.
I have got to keep fighting it. I can't give in. It will overtake me.
"A person is born with feelings of envy and hate. If he gives way to them, they will lead him to violence and crime, and any sense of loyalty and good faith will be abandoned." Xun Zi



I will keep fighting.